In the outermost pocket of the withered bag, 4 pieces of looseleaf paper, careful folded. Opening up, I see my own handwriting, careful scribed. My large clumsy letters take up each page, front and back. It's a note that reads:
2/13/04
Hey....
You're the best. Beautiful, witty, hilarious, and sweet as a cinnamon bun. You're a great listener, a keen observer, and a compassionate soul. A great student, a great friend.You do few things for personal gain, which is what makes your awesomeness even that much more remarkable.
I'm jealous of you, frankly. Is it possible for God to make someone perfectly good as you? No, it's a not a question meant to flatter. It's a serious question. Your perfection is beyond human. Did your parents take some hormone? Or perhaps they injected you with it? I know: maybe it was a nurture thing. It's what happens when you have caretakers or teachers who are truly genuine about their love for children in your formative years.
Well, I guess I say all this because I just got your note this afternoon. Jesus, even your handwriting is gorgeous (I think I've told you that, but whatevs). Anyway, you said something about needing space, or taking a time-out. Oh, you said it far more eloquently than that, but rereading your note is difficult for me, so I'm just going to paraphrase it.
I know that when we started you said that you weren't totally over John. I mean, like I said then, that's totally understandable given that you guys went out from like 8th grade til now. Obviously, you don't need ME to tell you that he's kinda controlling, and can be really nasty sometimes, but yea. So, I heard that you two might be happening again? I mean, to be honest, I'd been hearing that for a while ...LOL, I guess I heard it through the Grapevine.
Actually, that reminds me of that chat we had last week on AIM, where you were saying that sometimes you feel empty, except for when you're with your really good friends. Did you mean that I'm one of your good friends? Because if that's what you meant, then I wish you had been more clear.
Well, maybe it is I who should have been more clear. I don't want more friends. I have friends. I don't need more of them. I want a GIRL. Someone to LOVE. Someone to LOVE ME. Someone to HOLD. To CHERISH. To BE with, through all the everything that's thrown our way, ya know? I know that's kinda aggressive, but that's just how I feel...
Can we talk about today? Where'd you eat lunch? I looked for you in the cafeteria, but you weren't there. Was that on purpose? Were you hiding from me? Sorry to ask you like that, it probably sounds rude, and it isn't meant to be, I just...I mean, you know that carnations weren't passed out til 10th period right? I mean, they did that freshman and sophomore year, so I feel like you should have known that they were going to do that again this year. Did you think it'd be cruel if you saw me beforehand?
I know that you don't have a phone, but I called your friend Paige cause I know her dad just got her one and I figured that if you weren't in the cafeteria, you were probably hanging out with her. Did you guys leave and go to Subway maybe? They have cheap sandwiches. That was a stupid sentence, sorry.................anyway, Paige didn't answer, but I feel like you probably know that.
So, I looked for you on the way to Spanish in between 6th and 7th too, even though in my heart I knew something was up because I ALWAYS see you then. Remember that time we stopped underneath the stairs by the large auditorium and made out? I came out of Government, and we locked eyes and something just clicked. Two seconds later, we were just....well, ya...you were there. It was magic. LOL, I was late to Spanish THAT day but it was worth it. I think that's the craziest thing I've ever done. and it was with you.
Wow, this note is getting kinda long. If you make it down here, I just want you to know that I finally see that you are human. That you are a real person, capable of cruelty.
When my name was called 10th period, I was so excited to get the carnation. I felt blessed that I had someone like you in my life, and somewhere in my heart, I pitied all the guys and girls who were looking around embarrassed that they hadn't received anything. I used to be that guy...I've never gotten one of these before.
Then I saw your accompanying note and it wrecked me. I probably should have seen it coming, Friday the 13th and all...
So, yea, that's what I wanted to say. Thank you for showing me your humanity. It was a refreshing lesson. Maybe I'll see you around some time.
Sincerely,
Sam
PS: If you're wondering, I kept the carnation. I ended up giving it to my mom.
Carefully, I fold the letter up and place it in the backpack. It's been a long time since I've thought about that whole situation. I was so in love, and so...earnest. Sam of 2004 had not built up a steel reserve of cynicism and sass to guard against rejection.
The me of yesteryear hung out with a group of kids who I realize in retrospect were derisively called "The God Squad," (I mean damn, I called her a "compassionate soul" and said she was "sweet as a cinnamon bun." sounded like I was an 80 year old man!).
I find it hilarious that to that point, the craziest thing I had ever done was make out for a brief moment with a girl, and arrive seconds late to an AP Spanish class. While my classmates smoked weed and drank, I went to Friday night church youth group. While sex was on my mind, I was in no way taking actionable steps to do it . I was so INNOCENT!
I'm strangely repelled by the me of 2004. What a loser. What a prude. So, so, lame. Clearly, I didn't even have the balls to GIVE the girl the note. I didn't even throw away the flower she gave me! Just let her reject me free of guilt, no consequences.
Just like I did with Stacy in college. and Tamara afterwards. And Lara, and Margie, and Briana and.....
I better hurry up and wash my clothes. I gotta date tonight, and I intend on looking fresh. This time, I'm gonna get love right.
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